Wednesday, July 29, 2009

When Giving Advice!

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Latest Survey Says..........

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.

Male Drinks
He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Forbidden Love!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....

Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I Told You I Had To Take Care Of Everyone!

Hi,Maxwell here again,I'd like you to meet my sister Maggie(yes,same picture in sidebar).She is almost blind and very girlie,I love her and see after her,she says I'm her hero! Well,here's what I did today.

I have to make sure my Sissy doesn't fall off the bed.

Can you believe this?...Babysitting!

I even have to take care of this one! Hey,He needs new shoes!

It's a hard life!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

5 Things you may Not know about Me

Hello all, Today I have been tagged by The Flowerchild Chroniclesto tell 5 things about myself. You wouldn't think that would be hard to do but it is. So I will give it a try, here goes.

1.I wish that when I was young that I had given less thought to men and more thought to education,I wish I had studied to be a Doctor.

2.I am scared to death of water and never learned to swim even tho I had to take swimming in school........Oh how I hated that.

3.I am not accepting getting old very well. Dying is not my fear but not know who's looking back from the mirror and not being able to care for myself is.

4.I eat when I am nervous,that answers the question of why I'm 25 pounds over weight.

5.I wish I knew how to pilot a plane,that would be so exciting.

Well there you are,nothing too out of the ordinary,just some thoughts.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Home Sweet Home!

I have a few days off from work and I am fully enjoying being at home. I painted and done some decorating and love the fact that I don't have to be ANYWHERE! I don't have to watch the clock,and I can get dressed whenever I choose(if I choose). I have always loved being home,unlike some that are unhappy when their not running 24/7. Don't get me wrong I do like to loaf,but when months pass by and it seems there is no end to the running......I need down time. For me it is the best therapy in the world to just let the world roll by. I'll be back out there tomorrow I'm sure but just for today I'm at peace,cause there's no place like home!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Time Travel Anyone?

Life in the Middle Ages

I enjoyed this,thought you might too!

1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers
to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into existence.

5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."

6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until
when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
the pot nine days old."

8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."

9. Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

10. Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and
guests got the top, or "upper crust."

11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

12. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch
marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift")
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Chores,Chores and more Chores!

Is it just me or does the work triple in the summer time? Is it just that the days are longer and we try to fit more in? Is it that our neighbors look so damn cheerful out there doing yard work that we wonder why we are not loving it and try to find the joy in it? Don't get me wrong,I don't hate it all,it's just that I can't remember there ever being this much on my "to do" list. Maybe it's just age creeping up on me,but I for one will be happy to see fall arrive. I have a few days off next week and I'm going to try to fit in a little fun along the way. All work and no know the rest. Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Somebody Has To Do It!

Hello,I would like to introduce myself,my name is Max or Maxwell as Mama likes to call me when I don't want to get up in the mornings. Mama has been so busy lately that it seems that I have to do everything around here. First off I am the only male in the house,what with looking after my Mama and sister Maggie(whom I will introduce at a later date)was already a full time job. Now for the last six weeks we have had houseguests that added two more females and a baby girl. Now I'm not one to complain but the work load is getting to be a lit-tle much. Have you added this up yet? Five,count them,five females that I have to protect and take care of. With all the danger alerts and walking and feeding demands I am tired. This is cutting into my naps and belly rubs.I havn't decided what I'm going to do just yet,maybe pretending I'm sick might work because I have to have my proper amount of attention. In the mean time I will do my best,as you can see I had to write this post,Mama's too busy doing whatever. But,I am the man of the house and somebody has to do it!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

You Might Think I'm Insane But..........

Yesterday, A young friend and her baby were traveling to my house from another state. I wasn't quite sure when they would arrive, but thinking soon, when the phone rang. I saw a unfamiliar number on my caller ID and let the machine answer,it was the friend crying,I quickly answered and she was crying that her truck was on fire on the side of the freeway. She told me she had called 911 and could I come get her? I said yes until I realized I had loaned my car and had no way. She then told me that She would see if the police would bring her when they arrived,then she hung up. She also told me that she was calling on a borrowed phone because hers had died. Well here I am,can't get in contact with her and no car and she is at least 50 miles away. You can imagine the thoughts going through my head,when suddenly my car was returned home. The phone quickly rang again(a different unfamiliar number)I answered and it was the friend asking me to meet her 15 minutes away,I told her I would,not clear what had happened. I went to the place where we were to meet and waited. Soon after I got there I saw her pulling in with a white truck following behind. A middle aged couple got out of the truck. It seems that this couple stopped the minute she had needed help,then a trucker had stopped and put out the fire with an extinguisher. The police still had not arrived. The trucker said he was glad no one was having a heart attack because they would have died,then he left. The couple told her it would be safe to drive her truck to where she was going and they would follow her and they did,all the way. I knew the moment I met this couple they were not of this plain,they were so kind and happiness just glowed all around them. You may think I'm insane but I believe with all my heart they were angels sent to help this young mother and her baby. As the couple started to leave and we were giving our thanks and saying goodbye,I wished them both a safe trip. The woman looked at me with the most confident smile and said "Without a doubt we will".