Monday, March 8, 2010

Assault Charges

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty, with an explanation. " The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept and I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge said 'Case Dismissed!!'


  1. What a crazy story... tell me it's a joke! I've been in that "vise" and had never thought of a power outage, thanks for giving me one more thing to worry about next time I get that dreaded check up Lol!

  2. Dinah, you are soooo funny....That was a joke, wasn't it? Hugs, Linda

  3. that has to be a combination of "Fact and Fiction",, surely it is?..Oh meeeee

  4. So funny! Hopefully, this never happened to anyone in real life! Kinda makes me afraid to go get mine squished.

  5. Oh, that would be such a cruel and inhuman situation to be in if the power went off. Even when the technician is great, I still hate that thing! lol

  6. I don't know what the big deal is. My biggest prob was they had no magazines for men. No, not those, I mean cars or sports. Well that and all the women look at you like you are a perv hanging out in the womens clinic. When they called me back I was curious if they could get a shot from me. She assured me if she could pinch it, she could shoot it. I aint so sure why they make you stand on your tippy toes. I let her know I had tools in the car and I could make it adjustable but she wern't having none of that. Anywho, she got the shot, No pain or discomfort and I wenrt worried about Bubba walking in. Whats the big deal?? LOL


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